How to work with your inner critic and break out of the cycle of shame.

We all have one, the infamous Inner Critic. Many of us have been taught that the way to overcome the critic is to ignore it or talk back to it, both with the intention of getting rid of it all together and banish it from our life. I hate to break it to you, but although these approaches might alleviate the critic in the moment, it’s probably making it worse in the long run.

What I’ve learned as a psychotherapist and in my personal life is that by shutting down the inner critic, we end up making it stronger and sometimes even end up in a mental war between the inner critic and the part of us trying to convince ourselves otherwise, ultimately causing more tension inside of us and in our lives.

Here’s a quick metaphor I like to use to explain what happens when we try to suppress our emotions or parts of ourselves:

Imagine being at a pool party with friends. Think of the critic as a beach ball that showed up at the party. The beach ball wants to float and be tossed around. But if we see that beach ball as a threat for some reason and we focus on how we need to get rid of it by holding it under water so no one can see it, the ball will push back until it’s on the surface. So here we are using all of our energy to fight against the beach ball’s intention of being played with by pushing and holding it under water because we don’t want it at this party. We end up being less present at the pool party and unable to really enjoy our friends because we’re preoccupied with getting rid of the beach ball.

This is an exhausting cycle and to be honest and it’s not a sustainable way of managing your critic. While I understand the appeal and desire to do this in an effort to avoid pain, hell, I used to approach my critic this way! It’s just not a long-term way of processing and more often than not, it’s causing you more pain and using more energy in the long run.

I’m sure you’ve heard the concept that in order to get out of our own ways and viscous cycles, we must “Feel, deal, heal”, but how do we do we actually do this? While this quote is a simplistic way of looking at healing, it does touch on the need to feel in order to heal. Many of us compartmentalize and suppress in an effort to avoid being overwhelmed by our pain and the cruelty and harshness of the critic.

So how to we actually feel into our critic without getting completely blended and stuck in the symptoms of the critic.

There is hope. We don’t have to be controlled by our inner-critic.

Research says that if we build a relationship of curiosity with our inner critic and learn about it in the way we would when meeting a new person, we end up feeling more integrated and less anxious. We need to build a relationship with various parts of us, including the inner-critic. At the core of it, the inner-critic is trying to help us and at times even protect us.

The goal is for the inner critic to become background noise, which provides us the opportunity to step back and observe the voice, and how it may be serving us in the here and now vs. fighting it and letting it take over and pull us out of the present moment. When we bring a sense of curiosity to the voice, we're able to dis-identify with it and therefore, use it when it's helpful and set it aside when we discern that it is not serving us in the moment. 

We need to learn how to hold space for the critic so that we can ultimately collaborate, negotiate and have choices with what we do when the inner-critic is activated.

Here’s how to start to build a relationship with the Inner Critic based on curiosity:

5 steps to help get you out of the shame spiral and into a place of self-compassion with your inner critic:

1. Name it & acknowledge it’s positive intent. "Hello Inner Critic (or whatever you choose to name it). I hear you. I'm aware of your presence in this moment. Thank you for showing up to protect me."

2. Be curious. Learn about it's function: how long it has been there, when it started, who's voice it's taken on (e.g. is this how someone else has spoken to you before?), what it looks like, how it feels in your body (e.g. tight chest, shallow breath, disconnection from body, tension, etc.)

3. Address it's needs. What does the inner-critic want from you? What are it’s goals for you? What is it afraid would happen if it wasn’t criticizing you? What are it’s fears? Imagine asking a boss sitting across from you these questions - this helps us to be able to externalize the inner-critic, while acknowledging it’s intentions so not dismissing it completely.

4. Look at the role of negative beliefs. What are the beliefs that the Inner Critic believes and tells you to be true? Do you think them to be true when you look at them? If the inner-critic did not have these beliefs, what would be different in your life? Again, be curious.

5. Be patient. Our relationship with our Inner Critic doesn't change overnight. Many of us have lived with it since we were young children. Try to focus on your progress over having to be perfect. Remember, the goal is to not get rid of the inner-critic all together but to face it, and learn to discern it from our own thoughts and beliefs and explore it's presence in the moment with curiosity and compassion. 

To summarize, the three main goals of starting to build a relationship with your inner critic is to name it when you are aware of it and notice how it is showing up; be an inner critic detector in a kind and gentle way. Next, begin to restore trust in the critic by acknowledging it’s positive intent and function for you. Lastly, begin the process of re-harmonizing with your critic so that you can hold space for it without automatically rejecting it and wishing it away.

If you want to work on your inner-critic but don't know where to start, my inner child meditation bundle is perfect for you (click here). My meditations help you bring awareness to your inner child and connect with them so you can start healing, resulting in less self-judgment and shame. If you'd like to learn more about my meditation style before purchasing, feel free to follow me on Insight Timer.

*Edited on October 18, 2021 by Robyn Gray, LMFT