“If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a no.” My thoughts on this message as a psychotherapist

“If it's not a hell yes, then it's a no.” Repeat that to yourself three times and observe what comes up for you.

What are your thoughts when you hear this statement? Do you welcome this message or do you find yourself rejecting it? How does your body respond to hearing this message? What do you notice happen in your body and with your breath? Do you tense up, become more activated, hold your breath or do you find yourself relaxing, softening or perhaps shutting down? There’s no right answer, just notice your response and take note.

I actually struggle a lot with this message, if I’m being honest. Both personally and as a psychotherapist, I do not agree with the message and I see it often being used as a tool to spiritual bypass vs. moving from an authentic place, which is often more messy and complicated than a simplified statement like this.

Why I think we should stop saying, “If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a no!”

When you break this statement down, it’s basically accommodating one to avoid something unpleasant and uncomfortable in life. Personally, I don’t want to live my life like that because as someone myself with an anxious-type temperament, if I were to go by this mantra I would not be where I am today. I would not have made any of the big decisions that I have made that I got me to where I am if I went by this mantra. In fact, a statement that has helped me is “do it with fear, don’t wait for the fear to pass or you’ll never do it.”

As a therapist, my issues with the message is that it over simplifies the human condition. Human beings do not have unitary personalities, instead we all have multiple parts to ourselves and our personality which can show up with us having various (and sometimes conflicting) thoughts and feelings when making a decision.

Just because you are scared or nervous about doing something does not automatically mean it is wrong for you to be doing it.

When we’re moving from an all-or-nothing place, it’s often coming from a dysregulated nervous system that is moving from a place of fear. I’m not saying to ignore this feeling or that it is wrong. Our bodies are working to keep us safe. A dysregulated nervous system is not a bad thing, it’s information to look at. If you are in an unsafe situation, your body is reacting this way to help you - listen to it and trust it. And, if you know you are actually safe, take pause so that you are not depending on it for decision making. Get curious with it vs. reacting from it every single time.

There are times when we get a clear gut feeling that something is off and you know without a doubt to say “no” or the opposite and something does feel really right and you trust completely in saying “yes” - listen to this when it comes up, but do not depend on this clarity for every single situation when a making decision.

If we only use the approach of “If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a no”, we will end up missing out on the nuances of being a human being.

It’s not natural to live in this kind of extreme. The message of “Hell yes or it’s a hell no” keeps us overriding our intuition and felt sense and simplifies human conditions that should not be simplified.

What I’ve learned about humans

One major thing that I’ve learned working with human beings as a therapist as well as in my own life journey, is that we are beautifully complicated beings that live with multiple parts of ourselves (opposing thoughts and feelings). Part of embracing our humanness is being able to accept all parts of ourselves, which is rarely as black and white as a “hell yes or hell no.”  

When I reflect on my own journey to where I am now in my life, both personally and professionally, I’ve actually never felt an enthusiastic “hell yes” to any of the steps I’ve taken to move myself forward. When I find myself making big decisions around relationships, career, family, finances, etc. I typically feel a calm and grounded felt sense in my body and the thought that follows is, “Yes, this is right for you and you will be ok no matter how it turns out” while also feeling, to a lesser degree but still there, an anxious fluttering feeling throughout me with an anxious thought whispering, “I don’t know about this, you could fail and people might judge you.” It’s a both/and state.

And here’s the thing, both of these parts of me have valid points and are there to serve me, more often than not, to try and protect me. I don’t let the anxious part hold me back, though; I just try to reflect on what it’s trying to do for me in the moment. Usually the anxious thought is trying to get me to plan and not be too impulsive ;) I often imagine it as the mentor part of me that is saying “make sure you think about everything so you are prepared for various outcomes,” which once I do that, I tend to feel more confident in the decision to move forward.

This is what works for my temperament, and it has lead me to some incredible moments in my life.

 “Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions.”

- Mark Twain

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

Remember, humans are complicated yet our society reinforces polarizations (e.g. politics, policies, etc.) and therefore, the polarizations we see in the world around us encourages us to apply this way of thinking to our own life. However, this way of thinking tends to create more fear in us; the fear becomes “if we make a mistake or make the wrong decision, it is the end of the world.”

Mistakes are actually not a bad thing. Yes, of course there are some mistakes that actually do have life altering consequences; however, for the most part, most mistakes do not lead to the end of the world.

Mistakes are actually beautiful moments in our lives to take pause and do some reflecting. Mistakes require us to re-examine an issue and think creatively to find or develop other solutions or approaches. Mistakes teach us what doesn't work and encourages us to create new ways of thinking and doing.

When we reflect, learn and grow from our mistakes, we integrate the mistake as wisdom and growth vs. shame and a internalized wound to our self-identity.

Words of encouragement

Bottom line, it’s ok if you don’t resonate with the message, “If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a hell no.” Please, don’t feel shame if this is not natural to you. It’s not about your mindset or anything you’re doing wrong if this has not worked for you.

And if it does work for you - that’s great! Keep using it and maybe also pause a little more the next time you don’t hear that enthusiastic “hell yes” and check in to see what’s underneath it.

I invite you to let go of the pressure to feel extremes and enthusiastic about things in order to pursue them and instead, listen within and trust your intuition and felt sense - embrace the nuances of your humanness.

*Edited February 2023 by Robyn Gray, LMFT